LOVE
Love comes in many kinds. The Greeks
use agape, philio,
and eros as words for different types of love. We use the word "love" for all three. The purest form
of love is agape. Agape is love without condition. Agape extends from the lover to the one loved without a requirement for return. While philio is pleasant and useful in relationships, it requires a return of philio. Philio can start a relationship by meeting needs mutually. Philio can be very
frustrating if we keep a tally of who owes how much to whom. Within marriage we
need eros and eros can start a relationship through
the chemistry of attraction. Outside marriage, eros is a trap that
condemns the user to a life of misunderstanding and misery. Eros leads to
more relationship problems because we often trade it for philio and philio for eros. None of these loves is a substitute for the other. They are
different by design. Understand the proper context for philio, and eros from agape, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
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Love affects our
thinking and feeling because it always draws us into relationships. If we are
drawn in and feel unsafe, problems develop. If we are drawn in and feel
powerful, we cause problems. If love develops properly, problems need not
develop at all. In fact, love cures problems and makes us feel safe.
Scripturally, love is
first noted (NKJV) in Genesis 22:2 when Abraham is about to sacrifice Isaac.
God identifies Abraham’s love and his willingness to sacrifice due to
commitment. The last use of the word love is in Revelation 12:11 where Jesus
refers to the witnesses not loving their lives so much that they would die as
a sacrifice made through commitment. In both cases, God's reference is love
with sacrifice and commitment. We need that as a basis for what we consider
love. Anything else will fail the test of 1 Corinthians 13. "How I Love You"
is a questionnaire you can use to know how well you love someone in the
sixteen characteristics of agape described in 1 Corinthians 13.
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Love is based on many
things as we go through the process of relationships. We relate to looks,
fantasies, intelligence, agendas, similarities, differences, and the ability
to return respect and warmth. All these reasons can be the reason for holding
onto a relationship. They can also be reasons for the death of a relationship.
These reasons change with time and familiarity. So we need to love as God
loves and do so because we want to. Myles Munro* has worked a short reasoning
exercise for examining reasons to love. If we use the other person’s
attribute for love, we have a reason. For example, use the great shape of that
person as a reason for your love. Reasons turn into conditions. If we love for a certain shape
then shape is a condition for love. Conditions turn into expectations. We
expect that shape (condition) will remain and that our love will be secure. Expectations
turn into pressures. Keeping a certain shape because it is expected can
produce pressure of dieting, weighing, exercise and shapely clothes to show
off that shape. Pressures turn into disappointments. When we cannot
maintain shape, because we do not have absolute control of ourselves, all that
pressure related behavior, even if followed perfectly, leads to failure and
disappointment. Disappointment has nothing to do with unconditional love. Unconditional
love is pure in the heart of the holder. Typically, what drives the argument
for shape or other reasons relate to "like," not love. Like is full
of feeling. Love is full of sacrifice and commitment. (*Myles
Munro is with Bahamas Faith Ministries, Nassau, Bahamas)
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Jesus said love God
first, then yourself, and then your neighbor (Matthew 22:37-40). Jesus also
said to love your enemies (Matthew 5:44). This sounds impossible.
Nevertheless, Jesus follows with a foundation on which we can stand, "as
I have loved you, you also love one another." Jesus loves us with love
from on high, recreates in us a capability to love, and helps us to love
from the same resource.
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We convey love
through words and behavior (communication). Without communication through both
words and behavior, no exchange of love occurs. Different behaviors are
appropriate for each kind of love expressed. Holding hands or sexual activity
can express Eros. Soft understanding words or hours of care can express philio. Agape will be expressed through all these and yet without the demand
for a return in kind. Often, we misunderstand the kind of love expressed.
Jesus said "I agape you and you must agape each other.
First you must know Me and my Father through Me. You must sacrifice. You must
commit to this action, no matter what. Doing this will show that you love Me." (John 14:23) This is not easy, but it is simple. If you find it
complicated, you are reading too much into the command.
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We also express love
in the growth of relationships. The elements of growth are communication,
trust, intimacy, and vulnerability. Common goals help us express love as we
communicate, trust, share intimacy and vulnerability.
- Powerlessness is the key to
understanding the hurt often experienced in love. We are powerless to make
anyone be committed or sacrificial. We cannot make anyone receive our love, no
matter what kind it is. We cannot make anyone give us love, no matter what kind
we want. Sounds frustrating? Remember, God’s AGAPE is always there.
Communicating with Him, trusting Him, intimacy with Him, and vulnerability with
Him are rewarding and will keep you out of the trap of trying to manipulate the
love you want and need. Loving God first is the key. He loved us first, however,
and will always love us most. From Him you have somewhere to go with your love.
If agape love is not a feeling, what are feelings? The next lesson is Technicolor Feelings > |
