RELATIONSHIPS
Often, getting to know new
people, or other people more deeply, are dangerous processes because we are
unaware of what we may discover in the new or deeper relationships. As we get to
know and get to be known, we become more vulnerable (CTIVULA).
The opportunities present excitement but fear can overcome even a healthy excitement.
We need to see new relationships and deeper growth in relationships as a natural
part of human growth. We also need to see the possibility of pain as a normal
part of experiencing people. We are created by God to relate one to another.
Getting to know other people will
occur in many ways. Most relationships are casual, a few are very important, and
others are in between. While very important relationships are the most critical,
all relationships operate on solid principles that have passed the test of time.
What is most important? All relationships require that we put work into them to
get them to grow in a healthy manner. Getting to know others will be exciting,
scary, joyful, worrisome, challenging, disappointing, or any other feeling. The
idea is, each of us has work to do and the work will bring results if we commit
to the work despite the feelings. Consider these principles:
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Relationships come in a
variety of levels of interactions which facilitate
relationships. No relationship level is inherently bad or good, just different. The
purpose(s) we pursue in a relationship will be good or evil. Not all
relationships can be of the same nature. We need a variety of kinds of
relationships to be healthy.
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Look at a relationship as a
"Ship
of Relatings." When you first begin, the ship is only a dingy, a very small boat
with a very little purpose. As you continue relating to one another, the ship
expands and becomes a bigger ship capable of carrying more and more as you
build. Each of the
two people in a relationship have a responsibility to build a half of the ship
and to build it so that it will match the side built by the other. Planning
helps each person stay on track. Testing and use of the ship helps find the flaws. If
both people do not build sides that match, the ship will not function well in
the water of everyday life. If you can imagine one person building a dingy sized
side and the other building a luxury yacht side. The vessel will not float. It
will capsize in water onto the larger side. The one with the larger side is
over-built. Materials must also be similar even
though you may bring in several things that are unique. One person may
make the galley while the other may make the mess hall. One person may complete
the work of the other but always with the other on hand to direct the work on
their part of the ship. Care must
always be exercised and nothing ever left to presumption. COMMUNICATION is the key. A ship that is well
built will sail the seas upon which it was designed and built to go. Do not go
far from shore in a dingy.
  
Relationships are important
because God creates us to be in relationships. The interactions can be physical,
psychological, and spiritual. Relationships are a part of His deliberate design. As shown on
the "RELATIONSHIP Details"
page, we need relationships to be psychologically healthy. Communication and
trust are two elements that indicate that build the relationship in a
healthy direction. If communication and trust are not developing in the
relationship, the relationship needs correction. The bar on RELATIONSHIP Details shows
that relationships can vary from level one to level 10. Each level is 10 times
more complicated than the preceding. A level two relationship is 10 times more
complex than a level one. A level five relationship is 10,000 times more complex
than a level one. At level one you might only exchange names or a glance. At level two you
begin to see some character. At level five you would begin to exchange intimate
information and maybe hold hands. At level six the intimacy gets more complex
and the physical may extend to a warm and exciting hug or kiss. A level seven
relationship has enough complexity to make a marriage. To get past level nine
would require that you know, through communication, what is going on in the
other person’s life in the smallest detail and will take a lifetime of hard
work. Level 10 is impossible to
achieve in this lifetime.
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When the two people are near the
same level, within one level point, the relationship has comfortable balance and
is generally workable. If one person gets way ahead of the other, the demands and the
giving in their relationship get to be a problem. The difference creates
internal pressure that will slow the growth of the relationship. To keep the
balance, the person with the higher level of investment needs to put fewer
demands on the lower level person. This is not enough, however. The lower level
person needs to invest more in the relationship so the separation between the
two will close. In the best growing relationship, the two people will leapfrog
each other going up the scale.
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We need to include all the
elements of healthy relationships to different degrees with each relationship.
Communication, trust, intimacy, vulnerability, unconditional love and
acceptance, and common purposes are the essential ingredients. We need to offer
these things as offerings as in an Offering Plate.
What a person puts in the offering plate indicates what they want to
share. What the other person wants to take from the plate is what is important to them.
Sometimes we get back what we wanted most for them to take from the plate. This
is not the end of the relationship, only a rejection of that offer. All
responses to what is in the offering plate help us learn more about the other
person. We can learn where the other person has an interest, does not have an
interest, and what they have to offer to you in the relationship. To offer
too much too soon can be overwhelming to the recipient. To offer too little may
cause them to lose interest. Be prudent in offering. Also, be prudent when you
receive what they offer. To demand something not offered is inappropriate.
Putting a request in the offering plate is a good idea for finding what is
available in the other person. To
withhold something offered is not appropriate. The giving and receiving process
must be done with no strings attached. When the exchange process occurs in total
freedom of outside pressure, the relationship is in a healthy growing mode.
Each relationship is like a human body and so needs care just like the body
needs care. See the Body/Relationship
Metaphor page for more information.
Powerlessness is principle that
works in all relationships. Powerlessness is not being sick
or weak. Powerlessness is being without power, like a car that has no motor. To
make the car go without a motor you have to push the car everywhere you
may want to go. With a good power source in a car, you can drive or just
ride and enjoy the process of getting where you are going. You do not get drive
a car without a license for the privilege. God wants to empower
us in the work of relationships. We should not try to push relationships.
Learning how to work and what does or does not work, makes the pieces work
smoother and less tiring.
Powerlessness occurs in relationships because we
are powerless to have others accept us unconditionally. If we begin to
manipulate the way they feel, act, or understand us, then the basis of the
relationship is that of a puppeteer over a puppet or conditional. If that is the
basis for the relationship, then no unconditional love or acceptance is
available. Much stress can form in the relationship and this can make the
life of one, or both, in the relationship terrible. Emotional Distress
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