TECHNICOLOR ANGER
The greatest emotional
destruction you observe in relationships comes from feelings of anger. Obviously,
anger is a rejection-based emotion. Jon Eargle, in his book, Healing Where
You Hurt on The Inside, made the point that all
anger is based in rejection. I have not disproved or found even an
exception to this statement. Anger is an emotional response to rejection.
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Emotions are inner
"feelings" that relate to what is going on in relationships. If you
feel angry, it is because you feel rejected. Please pay
attention to the word "feel" because what you feel is not always
accurate. Sometimes people feel rejected because someone made a comment
about their clothing or hairstyle or status or some other thing that is not
really you. So the reason for feeling rejection could be something other than the
actual rejection of the person herself or himself. When you feel the
rejection, you respond in a way that says, "You ought not reject
me!"
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Righteous anger is the response to an
unrighteous act on the other person’s part when that act, rejection, is
not appropriate. Anger in a relationship can be an indication that someone
has intentionally or unintentionally rejected or hurt the other person. If
you are in fact
trying to hurt someone, that is rejection of that other person. If you intend
no rejection of the person but you intend a rejection of something belonging
to the person, anger may not be appropriate. For someone to not like my blue
shirt may feel like rejection of me. In reality, it is a rejection of my
shirt and a change of shirts can make us both more comfortable being
together. In deliberate rejection and anger, both parties need
reconciliation for the relationship to get back on track and growing again.
Anger can tell the other person that some boundary has been crossed without
permission and that an apology is in order. Under that case the offending
person has learned something about the offended person that can avoid
hardship or pain in the future. Often, you do not learn and you keep on
offending without resolve to understand. This doubles the rejection.
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Offending and anger are a normal parts of
relationships. Life is not always fair. Someone will always have too
much and someone else too little. When you feel you have too little you may feel
rejected and get angry. Not all rejections need end up as anger. If you understand that life is not fair as
you consider fairness, some inequity is
normal and you can see rejection as normal unfairness. Remember the "2
Rules of Life" and much of the anger that needs to be resolved will
work out simply.
Two Rules of Life -
Rule Number 1: Life ain't fair!
Rule Number 2: Rule Number 1 is always right!!
While working out the
unfairness of life, you have to take stock of how perfect you believe you are.
Admitting that you do not deserve all life has to offer is hard. You have to
approach this problem from the perspective God chooses. God sees who you are
from His point of creating us. If you are not operating according to how He
created us to operate, you miss the mark of perfection. To get back to what
God created us to be requires that He make changes in you. You cannot be the
agent
of change because you are not perfect and the results would not be perfect.
Since God is perfect, whatever he chooses to do is perfect. The appropriate
prayer for this is a revised version of the Serenity Prayer used by many 12 Step groups. A key line is "and
the wisdom to know when that person is me."
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Our anger can take its course
to the point of wrath. People who give in to constant wrath are in the
greatest susceptibility to heart disease. Constant self-rejection produces
constant self-anger. Sometimes the self-anger is directed at others. Since
the other person cannot change you, more rejection and anger and
self-rejection and self-anger occur. This is a fruitless downward spiral.
These people end up very unhappy and usually with sick hearts (both physical
and psychological hearts). Only clearing the anger and understanding the
perception of anger can lead to producing the righteousness of God. You must
look within and understand yourself and those who you feel rejected us, to
be totally useful in God’s hands and give enjoyment in relationships.
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Many people think that anger
is an expression of sin. It may be if the behavior associated with the anger
is not appropriate. Jesus is sinless and He was angry. God the Father was
wroth and He is sinless. Obviously, you can be angry and not sin. To keep
from the sin associated with anger, you must know what the other person
intended and what is the appropriate action within the relationship to the
intent. Often, the level of anger is due to suppressed anger that has leaked
or gushed out during a relatively minor anger event. Some of this anger
usually belongs toward someone else or to another time and event. To work out
the anger, you must study yourself and determine the offenses, the timing,
the person(s), what is appropriate, and a way to confront the person(s)
involved in the stored anger. You must choose how you will respond to
rejection. Forgiveness is the only
appropriate cure to anger that is based upon real rejection.
The most tiring
exercise in the world is carrying yesterday on your back.
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Forgiveness may require an
attitude change. Is ridding yourself of anger worth a change in attitude?
Only the individual can determine this. With help from God the change will
be safe and secure. Without a change, you may stick in a rut that will
diminish all your remaining potential. Carrying all the anger and messes on
your back will eventually you down and out. God must cure yesterday’s
rejections, anger, and hurts through the sovereign act of the only sovereign
God. Attitude
A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You
can't go anywhere unless you change it.
(From the wall at Griffin's
Restaurant, Raleigh, NC.)
Peace
is not something you wish for. It is something you make,
something you do, something you are, and something you give
away.
Robert Fulghum
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